Ladies- Don't worry, there's enough to go around
by Caffeine-Addicted-Philosopher
Summary: One has to wonder what the female characters think about harems...
1. Catfight

Forward A/N: I see all of these harems everywhere…

* * *

It was rare for a cat-fight happen in Konoha, at least among the kunoichi. Considering the potential fall out damage of two A-class ninja fighting in the middle of the street could cause, it generally wasn't a good idea. However, when one occurred, few people dared to get in the way. "Stay out of the ninja's way, and your head on your shoulders will stay" was the old phrase. On the other side of the coin, few people missed a ninja cat-fight- drama and explosions wrapped in one not-so-family-friendly package.

It was with great anticipation that the massive crowd in Konoha's central square had gathered. Two of the village's most powerful Kunoichi were standing in the middle of the street, yelling at each other. It promised to break out into a fight any minute. Hinata, heir to hyuuga, and Sakura, apprentice of Tsunade, the civilian underdog on a team of ridiculous power. Bets were quickly being placed, some larger than most people made in a year.

"50,000 yen on the heiress!"

"20,000 on the Hokage's kid!"

Needless to say, things were heating up. Several fistfights had already broken out in the pulsating mob that was surrounding, yet maintaining a safe distance from, the squabbling ninja. Several ANBU were on standby, but were kind of afraid to step in. Last time the 'elite' confronted Tsunade's apprentice... The scientific community discovered ANBU bones were very prone to break in direct proportion to how pissed off Sakura was.

Tsunade walked down the street, towards the catfight. Normally it was her responsibility to break this kind of thing up. But goddammit, she was going to make a killing! She pushed through the crowd in a gentle manner, resulting in an all time low of five broken ribs and two broken, and groping, hands. Strangely, both of those hands belonged to one white haired man who shall remain unidentified. Tsunade grabbed the mobbed bet taking official, pulling him away from the crowd.

"Lady Tsunade!" The man scrambled to hide his (somewhat illegal) box of money.

"No way pall- I'm placing a bet!" The man stopped in his tracks, slowly turning and grinning. If he could convince her to bet on her own student, he would make a killing!

"Lady Tsunade, the odds are looking good on your student."

"Nice try- I'm not that dumb. I want to place 10,000 yen on this whole thing ending with both of the girls beating up the guy they're arguing about!" The ticket-man looked at Tsunade in a 'are you dumb' sort of way.

"Hey- I'm not going to win, so might as well bet in the funniest ways. And if I do win, I'll get a laugh before something bad happens. And put my bet in or I'll beat you up and make sure you get no painkillers in the hospital." The man hurriedly took Tsunade's money, writing her wager on a small slip. He hoped she was wrong- But he didn't give he matter much thought. The Legendary Sucker would always lose.

* * *

"I'm telling you, you pink haired bitch, that Naruto is mine!"

"No way white eyes!"

"White eyes? That the best you got flat chest!" Sakura's eyes narrowed.

"I'm not flat, I'm petite!" Sakura surged forward and slammed her fist into where Hinata was a moment before. Hinata back flipped away, activating her Dojutsu. Both of the girls took a stance, and then rushed at each other, caught in a deadly dance. The construction workers winced when Sakura's haymaker somehow connected with the ground and caused a large fissure. Hinata tapped a few tenketsu, disabling Sakura's left arm. But it was pointless as when Hinata stepped back to dodge another uppercut, she caught her leg in the previously mentioned fissure. Sakura smiled like the cat that caught the canary, and wound up for a massive punch. Stepping forward, she swung- And it was caught by Naruto. He was in Sage Mode, explaining how he caught her punch without turning to paste.

"Now Sakura, Hinata- You two shouldn't be fighting." The sage nodded, well, sagely.

"I will be happy to stop fighting, my boyfriend, when you explain to the dumb flat chested bitch that you're mine." Hinata hissed viciously .

"I'll stop fighting when you explain to White Eyes Mc-inbred that you're mine!" Sakura and Hinata glared at each other, sparks flying between them.

Naruto nodded, and stepped between them.

"Actually, you're both right!"

"Say what?" Echoed both of the girls.

"I didn't have a family growing up, and the clan restoration act, and fuck women's rights, so I'm building a harem!" Naruto crossed his arms and smiled like he had just cracked a mystery.

"Don't worry ladies- there's enough of me to go around!" Hinata and Sakura looked at each other, unspoken women language passing between them.

'Nail polish?'

'Kitty cats'

Nodding at each other, Sakura pulled Hinata out of the hole and they stood side by side.

"You're right Naruto, we shouldn't have been fighting." The man smiled, and powered down from Sage mode.

"I'm glad you saw the errors of your ways, my illustrious harem-aaaa!" Naruto went from a low pitch to dog whistle when Hinata used Forbidden Art: Hyuuga Sterilization. He collapsed to the ground holding his gonads.

"Hey Naruto, did you hear that Mr. Johnson and the twins moved upstate?" Sakura asked

"No I haven't, why do you as-EEEEEEEEE" Sakura punted Naruto in his jewels, Sakura back-flipping in the air as he soared away.

"Forbidden Women's Art: Kick of a thousand menstrual cycles!"

Sakura and Hinata fist bumped.

"Screw guys- seriously!" Hinata exclaimed.

"I agree- Wanna go out?" Sakura looked at Hinata inquisitively.

"Sure sweet cheeks." The two locked arms and skipped off into the Konohan sunset, while Naruto sailed away into the pain filled sky.

The bet-taker stared in wonder, before he remembered something. He opened his mouth to shout warning, but just then Konoha's South Wall exploded open and Orochimaru, revived for the bazillionth and a half time this week, charged in.

* * *

Epilogue

Hinata had just set the tea on to boil when the doorbell rang. She rolled her eyes. After Orochimaru's (unsuccessful) attack, a million people had left notes on their doorstep asking for 'pictures'. Usually with flowers, chocolate and money. All of which were promptly planted, eaten and spent respectively. No pictures were given.

"Would you get that Sakura!" Hinata yelled to the living room. Sakura looked up from her Sudoko, still drinking her fourth cup of coffee. Grumbling, she got up and stumbled, still hung-over, to the door. Hinata heard the door open, and waited as in silence for Sakura to yell out what brand of chocolate or how much money. After a minute of silence, Hinata moved the sausages off of the heat and walked over the door. Sitting on the doorstep was a large, cast iron frying pan emitting feminism and impending male doom. Sakura was speechlessly rereading a note. Hinata leaned over her shoulder to read it:

Dear Sakura,

Your use of my special attack has made me proud. I give to you the Frying Pan of Doom TM. Use it well, young padawan.

Signed,

Son Chichi

They both stood in silence for a minute, before Sakura picked the pan up. Thunder cracked ominously in the distance lightening flashing across the strangely clear sky.

"Hinata?"

"Yes sweet cheeks?"

"I feel that this tool will serve us well in punishing idiots."

"I agree dear, I can feel the righteous feminine fury already."

Somewhere in Konoha, Naruto shuddered, feeling Doom settle it's mighty gaze on him.

* * *

A/N: Yeah so, my opinion on Harems. And I totally stole from TFS. If you didn't know about TFS, they're Team Four Star and do an abridged Dragon Ball Z Kai on Youtube that's better than original series. I hope there are no consequences... Hey, what are you doing in here! Get off me Vegeta! Aaaaaah!

"I'll put this in terms you'll understand. I'm about to blow my load all over your insides."

"What-"

"No homo"

"AAAAAAAAAAA!"


	2. Homo(Harem)Sexual

It was a slow, peaceful day in Konoha.

Orochimaru's last attack had left only parts of the city demolished, and there was a general air of lazy work at fixing them. One of the half complete buildings was the Council Building Of Konoha.

Which explained why the highly esteemed Council of Konoha and the venerable Hokage were meeting in a barbecue restaurant.

"So, Uchiha, you know why we're here." Koharu leaned across the table, wincing as the edge of his premium (According to the roadside vendors) "silk" robe.

"Yeah. Cause you got nothing better to do than harass me about my sexual habits." Sasuke shot back.

Koharu sputtered, and Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose.

"No snark Uchiha. Be serious." She snapped.

"Serious as the day my brother killed my clan." He deadpanned.

Silence settled over the table for a moment. Outside, a naked Naruto streaked by the window, with a bush of fire attached to his nether regions. The occupants of the table, used to Naruto's tomfoolery (or, rather, tomfuckery), ignored the flaming idiot. They also ignored Tenten chasing after him with a collar and leash.

"So... Restoring the Uchiha clan anytime soon?" Koharu proposed hesitantly.

"No." Sasuke shot back

Koharu's partner in crime, a certain member of the council who will remain nameless (for the time being, let's call him Stereotypical Council member #2, or SC2 for short) growled.

"LoOk Uchicha! You will repopulate your clan or else!"

Sasuke pulled out kunai and began to trim his nails with expert skill.

"Or else what? You'll exile me?" Sasuke snorted and cut a hangnail.

Koharu sighed, and slid a folder across the table.

"Look. We've evoked an ancient law so that you can have a harem. Perfectly legal, and we've already picked out some choice Konoha nin for the mission. They're legally obligated, of course." She winked, knowing that kind of offer should entrance any boy.

Sasuke looked up. "So you're saying I'll get a bitchin' harem out of this?"

SC2 spewed his tea across the table, and Tsunade rubbed her temples "If you want to be crude about it, yes."

Sasuke snorted. "There's just one problem you're all ignoring..."

Koharu, beyond sick of dealing with the Uchiha's nonsense, spat "What!?"

Just then, Naruto exploded through the glass, tucking and rolling on the hardwood floor. He stood back up, swaying unsteadily, naked as the day he was born.

Temari hopped into the broken window frame, still holding the collar and leash... and oh god was that a chastity cage?

"C'mere puppy... I just wanna play!" She growled, and everyone stared at her as if she was crazy. (secretly, Tsunade considered canceling her monthly meeting with Mistress Anko and seeing if Tenten took checks...)

Sasuke stood up, taking the bondage gear from Tenten's hands wordlessly.

His hand shot out and grabbed Naruto by his hair roughly, dragging the struggling boy to his feet.

He smiled, and dipped the blonde over, pressing his lips to the other boys.

A silent minute passed, the raven's hands wondering down the curves of Naruto's body, stopping to stroke his more, *ahem* intimate parts.

Sasuke pulled away slowly, smiling at the dazed look on Naruto's face.

"I, ladies, gentleman and those of unspecified gender, am hella gay!" He fist pumped, and dragged Naruto by the leash (which had somehow gotten attached, along with the chastity cage, during their make-out) over to Tenten.

"Here you go Tenten. Maybe I can borrow pretty-boy sometime?" He winked, and Tenten nodded, still drooling from the display of super hot yaoi (Just like in those online "lemons" she kept finding...)

Sasuke flipped off the Council members, and dived out the windows, dashing through the streets screaming-

"I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove cooooooooooooooooooooock!"

~Somewhere else~

Itachi's head snapped up from the corpse he was dismembering. He stumbled away from the body weakly, staring off in the general direction of Konoha.

Kisame looked up at him, gnawing on a leg of meat (The kind of meat? Let's not touch upon that subject...). He swallowed heavily.

"Whaz it Itachi?"

Itachi looked faintly disturbed.

"I feel as if the Uchiha clan's chances of repopulation are very grim..."

~END~

BONUS SCENE REMOVED BECAUSE I WAS SMOKING SOMETHING AND USED THE SAME JOKE TWICE SO IT WILL BE REWRITTEN IN NEXT CHAPTER

Author's Note: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack beyotches!

Yes, yes I know Sasuke is canonically hetero. But the scientists say they invented a cure for the hetero, so let's pretend he used it, eh? (yes yes I know this is offensive. Cry me a river. It is supposed to be a satirical comment). No seriously this is my AU everyone is some kind of weird/queer.

Anyways, I will be updating this on no particular schedule. Whenever I get an idea for my Konoha-AU of kinky homosexuality. Maybe next will be a piece on the Hidden Sand? Gaara gets all the sex.


End file.
